


The One Time I Didn't

by maki_senpai



Series: BokuAka Week 2020 [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 5+1 Things, Akaashi Keiji/Miya Atsumu - Freeform, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Letters, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:00:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25745512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maki_senpai/pseuds/maki_senpai
Summary: Bokuaka Week 2020: Day 6 - Five Things (5+1)~~~~~~~~~~~We didn’t say “I love you” to each other much when we were together, but we were fine with it. We didn’t have to. We just knew .Because that’s what love is right?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: BokuAka Week 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857214
Comments: 5
Kudos: 47
Collections: Bokuaka Week 2020





	The One Time I Didn't

**Author's Note:**

> Part 1 of [2](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25779922)

Hey ~~Keiji~~ ~~,~~ Akaashi,

I just want to start off by saying congratulations. I’m happy for you, I really am because you deserve all the happiness the universe has to offer. ~~Even if I’m not one of them.~~

I know it’s probably unfair of me to be giving this to you the day before your wedding. But it’s not fair to me too if I don't pour out all my feelings before it’s too late. ~~Though I know I already am.~~ Feel free to rip this up, burn it, I don’t really care at this point; I’m just glad I can finally tell all of this to you even if it’s not in person. ~~Or even if you don’t read it.~~

Anyway, do you remember the first time I said “I love you” to you? The first time I confessed? 

* * *

_“...and Konoha fell into the fountain!”_

_Akaashi let out a snort and laughed with his entire being. It was one of his rare laughs where it’d turn ugly and he’d be wheezing and snorting like he had breathing issues. The first time it happened, Bokuto thought he was dying. But now, it was the most endearing thing to him. As unpleasant as this laugh was, Bokuto looked at him like the whole world was right in front of him. The way his eyes were shut tight, his nose scrunched, and whatever inhuman noise that came out of him were so_ beautiful _somehow. He couldn’t help himself._

_“I love you.”_

_Akaashi abruptly stopped laughing and looked at the other as if he'd grown another head. “W-what? Did I… Did I hear you correctly?”_

_“Yeah, you did. I’ve been in love with you for a while now and I guess it just slipped because I can’t hold it in anymore. I had a whole confession planned, but I guess my heart had other plans.”_

* * *

You practically flung yourself at me after that! The smile on your face was something I’ve ingrained into my head. I can still see it to this day as if it just happened this morning. You told me you loved me back after and we just cuddled on the floor of my bedroom at three in the morning because we couldn’t be bothered to get out of each other’s arms. 

I remember you telling me that you felt safe in my arms, but god, just looking into your eyes made me feel so secure. ~~It still does, despite it breaking me at the same time.~~

We didn’t say “I love you” to each other much when we were together, but we were fine with it. We didn’t have to. We just _knew_. 

Because that’s what love is right? 

~~But what would I know?~~

You were the one that taught me how to love and how to be loved. A love that I deserved. ~~I guess I just never deserved yours.~~

~~I miss you so~~

~~God, Keiji, I~~

Do you remember that moment in your kitchen? That one moment that seemed to capture how much I love you just because you did something so mundane.

* * *

_“Kou, could you pass me the rest of the batter?”_

_“I love you…”_

_Akaashi froze for a moment before his cheeks burned a deep red. They’ve been together for a year and yet Bokuto still had this effect on him. He giggled,_

_“I love you too, dummy. But the pancakes won’t cook all the way over there.”_

_Bokuto trudged over to Akaashi with the batter in hand, only to set it down and circle his arms around his waist, burying his face in the crook of Akaashi’s neck. Bokuto softly kissed his exposed skin, earning a shudder from the other._

_“Just let me hold you for a sec.” Bokuto mumbled._

_Akaashi smiled and turned himself around to circle his arms around Bokuto’s neck. He looked up and placed a soft kiss on Bokuto’s lips that was happily reciprocated._

_“I want mornings like these with you forever.” Akaashi mumbled against Bokuto’s lips._

_Bokuto tried not to flinch at the words, as the fear of_ forever _ate away at him. Luckily, it went undetected as he just hummed in response and kissed Akaashi deeper._

* * *

The thought of forever scared me at the time, but I never told you. You always thought ahead while I preferred to stay in the present. You always talked about our life together in the future, planning where to stay, what to do, what kind of house we’re going to get, all of that. You planned a future knowing that I’d be in it with you. ~~But I ruined that~~. I don’t know why I was so afraid of it then. ~~Because now, it’s everything I want.~~ Maybe I should have communicated my fears better. If I did, maybe we’d be having that now. 

I bet you’ve got your future planned out with just enough room for all the inevitable spontaneity your new man will bring. I’m sure you know him better than anyone, better than his brother even. ~~You knew me just like that.~~

That’s how you are, you just _know_ people and what’s best for them. You were the one people turned to because you just knew what they needed. It seemed so effortless because you never had to think about it. No matter the person, you just knew how to take care of them. You’re always so considerate and had a plan for everything just in case things didn’t work out. ~~But I think you didn’t have one when we didn’t work because you thought your future was with me, didn’t you?~~

That’s why I said “I love you” for the third time. 

* * *

_“Ataashi-nii!” Bokuto’s little sister cried, clinging onto Akaashi for dear life. She was upset that the other kids in her pre-school made fun of her for being too noisy. Bokuto tried everything to comfort her but nothing seemed to work. He called Akaashi over in hopes that maybe he could help._

_“Hello, Kaede-chan, please stop crying.” Akaashi knelt down to the little girl’s level and gently wiped her tear-soaked chubby cheeks. His voice was gentle and soothing. Even Bokuto was entranced by it and it wasn’t even directed at him._

_“You know,” Akaashi started again, “my favourite type of people are the loud ones.”_

_“Ataashi-nii likes loud?”_

_He flashed an angelic smile and the Bokuto siblings could’ve sworn they heard the gates of heaven open._

_“I do. Very much. People like you never fail to make everything brighter and livelier. It would be so dull and boring if you weren’t yourself. Those other kids just didn’t understand how cool you are yet, but they will. Wanna know why?”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because they’ll realize that you shine more than the sun ever can. Instead of making fun of you, they’ll have fun with you. Just like Koutarou.”_

_“You’re right. Totaro-nii-chan IS loud but everyone loves him and he’s the best person ever!”_

_“Yup! You’re already better than him in my opinion.” Akaashi teased._

_“Wha? HEY!”_

_“Really? HAH! HEAR THAT TOTARO-NII? I’M BETTER!” Kaede’s tears were now gone and her sadness long forgotten. Instead, she has the need to torment her brother about Akaashi liking her more than him._

_Bokuto pouted and Akaashi wanted nothing more than to kiss it away, but he decided to tease him more. “That’s right! You’re my favourite Bokuto, Kaede-chan! Let’s go get some ice cream mochi, yeah?”_

_“YES!!!”_

_“Can I come?”_

_“Hmm, I don’t know, Kou…”_

_Akaashi picked Kaede up and looked at Bokuto with a teasing smile. At that moment, Bokuto caught a glimpse of his future. A future where he had a daughter and Akaashi as his husband. A future where they were together as a loving family._

_He couldn’t help himself, “I love you.” He breathed out the words carefully as if saying them outloud would be too much. Akaashi’s eyes widened for a bit before softening._

_“I love you too.”_

_“Hey, me too!!!” Kaede chimed in._

_The three of them laughed and went on their way to get their dessert._

  
  


* * *

I didn’t realize that I wanted the same thing you did then when I caught that vision. I thought it was something that would remain as a dream. ~~Well, I guess it really is just a dream now.~~

I’m sorry for being a coward back then. I really don’t have an excuse for it. Nothing made sense to me before because the only thing that did was you. It took me so long to realize the reasons _why_ I said “I love you” then. Looking back now, I never really said it in some grand way like people do in the movies. It was during the little moments we had; the tiny inkling of what we could have been now. 

The fourth time I said it was when we had just lost nationals in my third year. You tried to blame yourself, you tried to put it all on you so that it’s easier on me. Do you remember that? You cried a lot while I was calm. You kept saying how you should have predicted our opponent’s blocks or how you should have done something else. You didn’t listen to anyone that time, it was like you blocked all of us out!

Until I said “I love you” because seeing you like that, I wanted nothing more than to comfort you and tell you that everything will be okay. I wanted to say that everything will be okay, but instead, those three words came out. I guess my heart knew what yours needed to hear more than my mind did. You just fell into my arms and mumbled it back then you calmed down. You said I felt like home. 

After that, you ended up falling asleep on the bus home with me wrapped around you. Not that I minded because hugging you brought me more comfort than words could ever. And that’s when I whispered “I love you” for the fifth time. I don’t know if you heard me, but you ended up saying it in your sleep anyway. I guess you loved me that much. ~~I wonder if you still do.~~

~~Even if it’s just a little bit.~~

~~Can I still win you back?~~

~~I’m sorry.~~

~~Fuck.~~

And maybe you loved me too much. More than I did. ~~At the time.~~

Akaashi, I’m sorry that I didn’t say it for the sixth time. I’m sorry I was so stubborn. I’m sorry I didn’t realize that you needed to hear it then. 

I’m sorry.

* * *

_“Where am I in your future, Koutarou? You always flinch whenever I talk about us in the future. Why are you so afraid?”_

_“I don’t think it’s that important right now! Why can’t we just enjoy what we have now? I’m about to sign into the biggest contract of my volleyball career, Keiji. Why can’t you be happy for me?”_

_“I am happy for you! But you’ll just be leaving me behind for who knows how long. You won’t be home for most of the year, and when you are, it’s the busiest time at my work. All I want to do is work something out so that we can find time for each other. It won’t be easy anymore.”_

_“But it sounds like you don’t want me to sign it for the sake of staying with you.”_

_Akaashi stepped back from his response and answered, “That is the_ last _thing I want and you know that. I’m just asking you to work out a plan with me so that we can see each other, plan what to do after the season’s over. If we should find new apartments so that we don’t have to pay much, especially since you won’t be here most of the time.”_

_“Keiji, god,_ stop _, you worry too much and we’re not even fucking married! You act like we are and we’re not! Can’t you get that into your head?”_

_“Oh. Well I’m sorry if I love you too much that I just want to make sure we’ll be okay.”_

_“Yeah! Too much. Always too much. You’re too much sometimes. It can get suffocating, Keiji.”_

_Bokuto regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth and the look in Akaashi’s eyes told him that it’s too late to take them back. Never in his life did he ever want to see the pain that stayed in those deep blue oceans he had. They mirrored an angry wave brought on by a rainstorm, crashing against the sharp rocks on the shore. He could see the lightning and thunder as if they were really there._

_"Aka-"_

_"Do you love me?"_

_He didn’t know why, but Bokuto couldn’t answer. A short silence filled their shared bedroom before Akaashi spoke once more._

_“I know that we don’t say it to each other as much as other people do. And I’m okay with it because it makes it more special whenever we do say it. We just_ know _we love each other and I can_ feel _it. But right now, I_ need _to hear it. I love you, Koutarou. I don’t care if I love you too much, I love you. Do you love me?”_

_Bokuto was frozen. His mind went blank and all his fears and insecurities tied him down like thorny vines. Each second he stayed quiet, more of Akaashi’s heart started to break away. The silence was deafening and painful. Bokuto wanted to answer, he really did, but he couldn’t._

_“Okay…” Akaashi finally said, “okay.” It was quiet, but the two syllables held more pain than any shout could._

* * *

I wanted to tell you how much I love you, but then I thought, what if you were better off without me? You always worried about me and took care of me. What if you’re able to have a better life than what I can offer you? I loved you so much that I decided to let you go. It was for the best and it would’ve been better for you not to think about me so much. At the time, I couldn’t remember the last time I did something for you. All I could remember was me coming home late from practice, or not coming home at all after a night out with friends. And you were so patient and understanding and the one time you asked for something so simple, I was unable to provide. Surely, you deserve someone better.

So I said nothing. 

I watched you leave. I said nothing even when I watched you pack your bags and left. Even when you gave me that last kiss on my cheek. ~~Sometimes I can still feel it burning there.~~ It didn’t occur to me how important reassurance was because I never needed it when I was with you. Your presence alone was reassuring to me, and I thought I did the same for you. But my selfishness got the better of me and I only thought about my volleyball career and less of you and our future. 

I didn’t know where you are in my future because I always thought you’d be beside me. I should have said that. There were so many things I should have said. 

And I was going to. I gathered up enough courage and decided to try and win you back after our match with Schweiden Adlers. But then I watched you promise yourself to someone else.

* * *

_After many,_ many _practices where Atsumu would talk about his boyfriend, he was finally planning to propose to him. They’ve been together for about two years, so one can imagine how much he’s talked about him. It didn’t occur to Hinata, Bokuto, or Sakusa that it was someone they knew from the past since Atsumu would always call him by pet names._

_Nonetheless, they didn’t mind. It was fun to see and his happiness affected the whole team. They would even hype him up or ask questions on how he was doing. They all heard the stories of how they met at Osamu’s shop, how their first date in Osaka went, how they finally started dating, all of it. And now, they’re hearing about his plan to propose to him. They understood that they weren’t able to meet much because of their conflicting schedules, but they came up with a system that worked for them. The other three could only dream of such a perfect relationship._

_Then the legendary game of the monster generation came about and finally,_ finally _, everyone would be able to meet the loving boyfriend (soon to be fiance.) Atsumu had told everyone how he was going to propose after the game regardless of if they win or not. He’d be disguised in the Jackasuke suit and surprise him during the fan meet. Of course, the whole team was excited and was in full support of him. He gave each of them signs that spelled out “will you marry me?” It was cheesy, but it was something everyone thought was endearing._

_It was game over and they had won, but the MSBY Black Jackals had one more thing to complete. Atsumu had rushed to the changing rooms, took a quick shower and got ready. Soon, the plan was in motion._

_Everyone had a sign except for Bokuto as he was there to hold the mascot head once the big reveal happens._

_Then his heart dropped._

_He watched Meian lead an all too familiar man to the photo area right next to Atsumu. He looked confused to say the least. Their eyes met for a brief second but Bokuto saw the flash of pain that flashed in Akaashi’s eyes. The same thing he saw the night he had let him go._

_Then it happened. Bokuto doesn’t remember much besides the flurry of movements and that he had the mascots head in his hands. The next thing he heard was Akaashi sobbing out a “yes” and then a deafening cheer from everyone around him._

* * *

I felt like I was in a void despite all the ruckus around me. After that one second of making eye contact with you, it was like you’ve completely ignored my existence. Tsum-Tsum knew all this time and told me that it was you who told him not to disclose his name and that’s why he only ever referred to you by pet names (he said you knew he’d be unable to control himself and _not_ talk about you and I understood. Like I said, you just know people.) Even then you still thought of me, huh? ~~Do you still think of me now?~~

~~Do you still love me?~~

~~I hope this changes~~

~~Can I change your~~

~~Marry me inst~~

~~I still love~~

~~I never stopped~~

Bottomline, these are the things I should have said that night. It’s just all the “should haves,” “would haves” and whatever. And now I’m stuck on the “what ifs.” 

But hopefully, now that this is out there, I can move on. 

~~Not that I want to~~.

~~I’m still waiting for~~

~~I still want you~~

~~Come back to~~

I guess I’ll stop here. I don’t even know if you’ll bother reading it anyway. But, to answer your question from that night, yeah. I do love you. I love you a little too much and a little to hard. 

~~I don't want to.~~

~~But I will always love you.~~

Congratulations on your wedding tomorrow. I’m happy you’re happy. ~~But I wish you were happy with me~~. I wish you all the best and that I hope you got the life you always wanted. 

Love, 

Koutarou. 

~~P.S. No matter what happens, I’ll still be waiting for you because I only belong to you.~~

**Author's Note:**

> Formatting inspired by Kai
> 
> This is part 1 and part [2](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25779922) is day 7!!
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed


End file.
